Do you know your significant other? I mean, do you really, truly, deeply know who they are as a person? You may see your significant other at the end of the day and ask “How was your day?” and you go through what you did and what happened. You talk about plans for the weekend and updates from friends, family and coworkers. Couples with kids or full-time jobs have a lot going on, and they get so wrapped up in the day-to-day that they forget to ask each other how they are doing and what they are feeling. Especially if you have known your loved one for a long time, you assume that you know them already and forget that people change and grow with time.
Don’t let the deeper questions fade away, when you feel loved, it makes you feel accepted and valued by your partner, like someone truly gets you. SpicyBox’s tips make sure you don’t get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but that you are truly relating to each other emotionally. While you wait for your first or next SpicyBox, check out this quiz from psychologist, Arthur Aron via Greater Good in Action. These 36 questions were designed to boost intimacy and bring partners closer together.
- For 15 minutes, take turns asking one another the questions in Level 1 below. Each person should answer each question, but in an alternating order, so that a different person goes first each time.
- After 15 minutes, move on to Level 2, even if you haven’t yet finished the Level 1 questions. Then spend 15 minutes on Level 2, following the same system.
- After 15 minutes on Level 2, spend 15 minutes on Level 3. (Note: Each set of questions is designed to be more probing than the previous one. The 15-minute periods ensure that you spend an equivalent amount of time at each level of self-disclosure).
Level 1: General Traits
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Level 2: Personal Concerns
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Level 3: Self-Narrative
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The most important first step in increasing the closeness and connection in your relationship is to prioritize it. That means setting aside time for it. SpicyBox’s unique date ideas encourage a deeper understanding of the person you love.